That post I keep putting off

So a few times I have mentioned that I will "post about that later" or "thats another post all it own" but I haven't gotten to it because I just wasn't ready to yet. But I think I am now.

Last May, Mister and I started to "not, not try" to have a baby. Mister knew I wanted a baby and knew that I would be hoping for one. But we decied to not put any stress on it. When he left for a month in September for training he had a lot to think about. He came home and told me he would really like to try to have a baby if I would stop bugging him about re-enlisting. I figured that was a good enough deal for me.

So as of October we have been really trying. I haven't gone to the doctor, but I have been paying attention to my body, taking my temperature and buying the ovulation kits. There have been  few times where I had pregnancy syptoms and I would be between 2-5 weeks late. But it never failed aunt flow (AF) would come and go.

Then in December we found out that my little sister was pregnant. I think thats when my heart about broke. I feel like a terrible person because I cannot find it in me to be happy or excited for her. I know I should be because come August I will be an aunt but I just can't get over my selfishness to be happy for her.

It also hasn't helped that she has said things to me that are very very hurtful.

Thats when I fell into this blue mood that I'm in. Mister and I still have fun when he is home and we go out and do a lot. I decided that starting in January I wouldn't try so hard. I would just try to go back to just "having fun" with it all. But it is easier said then done to get something you want so bad out of your head.

I haven't been to church in a while. So I sometimes think that maybe He is just mad at me and punishing me. I use to be the one that would tell people the He has a plan for all ofus and its not your time. But lately I've been having a hard time listening to my own words. And when friends or family go to tell me this I just ant to slap them across the face. I know thats mean but I can't hear that anymore.
It makes me sad when my mom will call to tell me that so and so that she ran into that day at the grocery store in our home town has asked if there is a baby yet on the way from us. And then the disappointment in her voice when she tells me what she had said breaks my heart.
 I knw we have a long road ahead of this and I know I just ned to be patient. But thats easier said than done. I find it more and more that women are having a hard time conceiving a baby. I wonder why that is. And its usually always those who really really want one. Those that have their life in order and bringing a child into their world wouldn't be a burden unlike all the teens still in high school getting pregnant.
I better end my post there before I say too much and really show how bitter I am. I hope you all have a great weekend. Mister is home now but has duty on Sunday.