"I'm not a bad person..." seems to be what is on my mind since yesterday afternoon at about 1 pm. Here is my vent:
First I need to give you a back ground story so you kinda know whats going on.
For about a month and a half now we have known that our good friend's (who has 2 kids and is on baby number 3) husband will be going into the field for a month in October (NOW). We knew baby 3 was due closer to the end of this month but its the 3rd baby so the can come early. We had a game plan, well actually we had SEVERAL game plans in case one falls through we can go onto backup plan. I had promised (as well as the other girls) to help out in any way we can when its baby time since her husband was going to be gone.
Monday we recieve a text that she is 3cm and 75% "faced" (I think thats what it is called).
Tuesday morning at 6 I recieve a text that she was in pain and she was pretty sure it was baby time. Game plan 1 was that I was going to drive to her house and then drive her to the hospital. The only thing wrong with yesterday was that I had a test (A FINAL TEST) at 2pm. I tried to explain this to her thinking she would understand and go onto game plan 2 but instead she made me feel really bad and made it seem like she was alone and didn't have a 2nd game plan.
So I went anyway. When I got to her home she wasn't there. Another wife had started down the HWY (oh yeah back up the Naval hospital on base was/is full in the baby dept. so she had to deliever her baby in SD a whole hour away). So I finally caught up to them (When I should have just turned around since she wasn't alone) and we made it to the hospital at about 930. The midwifes were busy so they weren't able to check her for another hour and a half. So we walked and walked and walked around the hospital to get the baby moving down more) At 11 they came in and checked her. She was at a 6 and only 80% faced. I told her that I was going to leave at noon to make it back in time to do a little review for my test. I was hoping for an hour but I got in at 130 and I had to test at 2. I did study all weekend but I'm the type of person I have to review it the day of the test a few hours to do really well. I've always been like that. I took my test and I didn't do as well as I wanted or needed to!
To say this nicely I was livid! I was in tears. I don't do well with not passing or not doing fantastic on a test! Esp. when something got in the way of it. Had I had the extra hour or two I know for a fact I would have done 20x better on it!
Then I decided since I was so upset I was just going to ignore my cell phone and shut the world out. And I did just that! Well I did go to zumba at 7 to get those feel good vibes going again. As of 4pm I had recieved a text that she was still only at a 7 and she was only 85% faced.
What is still bugging me about all this is that I could have stayed home, studied, passed my test, and then left for SD. I have a feeling that the girls "talked" and there was prolly some ugly words said about me which is also really bugging me. The thing is I NEVER say NO! I'm always helping others. Just 2 weeks ago I was so sick and throwing up (which I caught from all these kids) and I still went and watched someones kid while they ran errands. All I wanted to do that time was sleep. Mister gets so upset with me for always helping out others. As I sit here and try and think of the times I've been helped I honestly can't think of any. Yes there have been times where they said "if you need anything just ask" or stuff like that but not one time has someone actually stepped up to the plate and done for me what I've done for them. (At least with 3-4 of these ladies, there has been at least 2 that have but I'm not talking about them just to get that out there).
I think what bugs me the super most is the fact that it was a TEST for school. I figured they would understand and say to come after! But no! If it were I that was giving birth and Mister happened to be away and the person who is suppose to be there for me can't because she or he has a test for school I would go at it alone!
Does this make me a bad person. I feel like a terrible person for actually wishing I had been selfish for once and should have said "no I'll come after my test."
I just feel so exhausted and I can't tell Mister because not only will he be made that once again I was "taken advantage of" (as he would say) but that I also didn't do that well on my test! I guess that is why I came here. I'm sure you prolly don't want to read my rant, so I'm sorry.
2 comments:
Oh, my dear! You ARE NOT a bad person!! Your friend did need you, but you have to put yourself first, especially when it comes to school. I'm sorry you didn't do as well as you wanted to.
Also, your friend probably wasn't really that angry at you. She was panicked because she was going into labor and women tend to take that out on everyone around them. I'm sure she'd take it back if she could.
And finally, Mister is right, you do have to learn to say no. I think you are a lot like me in that respect. I HATE telling people no and always want the people around me happy and comfortable. Take it from me, if you don't learn to put yourself first, at least some of the time, you are going to have a breakdown at some point, just like I did. So, put aside any guilt you felt about not being able to stay with your friend and remember that what's best for you and Mister is the most important thing for you to focus on!
Sending you love and hugs!!
I was just looking at your blog and saw this. Sam I love you, you are amazing and sweet. I never meant to make you feel this way I would have loved for you to come to the hospital after your test and be with us. I'm sorry you didn't do well on that exam and I will take part in the blame but please don't hold this against me. I didn't know the other girl at all really and I wish you had come back that night cause what I needed was a friend. I was never mad at you, I honestly was heartbroken that you never called or text to ask about us. We have known each other for two years I guess I just thought we were closer. I do understand how important school is and you have to say no if you can't help. I'm just sorry I didn't see this sooner I guess this is why you have been distant with me. I would love to talk sometime. Have a good week.
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